His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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