I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Randomize
