I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
