I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Randomize
