my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
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