omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
