Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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