I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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