No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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