No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I pour the whiskey from now on
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
