I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Randomize
