Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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