i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
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