i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize