I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
