Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
Slut skills are useful in every country.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Randomize
