hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
