got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Is it penis luge time yet?
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
