So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Randomize