My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
