Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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