I'm so fucking centered right now
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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