I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
