i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
