the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize