I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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