I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
