When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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