I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Randomize
