in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
