It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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