Your dad touched me again.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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