I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
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