just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Randomize
