I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
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