I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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