is wine microwaveable?
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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