You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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