he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Randomize
