I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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