Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
