Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
