This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
