I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
grandma shit on top of the toilet
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
