So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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