I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
50% drunk capacity currently
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Randomize
