I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
