My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
