Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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