god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Randomize
