im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
