If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
