I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
