She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
