Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
