Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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