The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
