i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
