the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
