i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
