put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize