Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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