yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
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