you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Text me some of your sweat
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
