paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
