Yeah....I really appreciate it....I didn't even get it from hooking up....lame, atleast if a girl gets u sick when u r hooking up it was fun in its inception...
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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