there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
